J for Just Thinkin'

I lie awake at night. I think I have too much on my mind. If i could describe the feeling, i would sum it up like this- It's like a mix of excitement, wonder, hope, and guilt.  Sometimes my mom gets upset with me because I don't tell her things. I make plans on my own, appointments for myself, and I carry them out. I think a part of her wishes I would include her in my life, but a part of me likes to think I'm completely independent. I can handle myself, live life on my own.  With that thought in mind, I set out on a venture. I made some calls, drove myself, got what I needed to done. But then I sat back for a moment and thought. Is this because I want to prove myself capable? Or is it something else?  I think I'm truly afraid of failing. It's not because i dont want to include my mom. It's not because i think getting things done qualifies me as being an adult. I want to do stuff on my own so that i dont have to answer to anyone if it doesnt work out. If by some chance, i cant make it happen. I hate dreaming big because what is that for me? It's a bunch of hopeless excitement and failure.  But I can't help it. I'm a teenage girl who's reminded constantly to strive for the best, excel, and chase after what I want. It seems so promising, so fulfilling. A life full of pure happiness if you can just achieve your goals.  And so I lie awake thinking about when I should tell my mom. When there's more of a solid chance I'll succeed or now, when there's nothing but blind faith and hope? I know which one my fairytale life would be like. Problem is, this is reality. And I still hate not being good enough.